Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts

Friday, October 12, 2007

Has Jimmy Carter Been Raping Kittens?

People hate Jimmy Carter.

Not the eyeball-rolling, head-shaking, dismissive dislike you might expect to find directed at a man that irritated you 30 years ago, but foaming-at-the-mouth, sputtering, viscous-dog-straining-at-the-limit-of-his-chain, carotid-artery-busting apoplexy. The kind of anger you would usually reserve for the person who is at this very instant shitting on your head or raping your cat.

I stumbled into this lake of bile in the comments section of a Reuters article detailing some unusually blunt rhetoric Carter directed at Dick Cheney in a BBC interview. I should have known better. Reading visitor comments rarely edifies, even when most of the participants are bright and perceptive enough to share my views, and I avoid reading them for the same reason I eschew man-on-the-street interviews on the local news. Because the man on the street is invariably an idiot.

So as my better judgment failed me and I naively allowed my eyes to drift towards the comments section, I knew some shrillness would be in the offing. But I was stunned to see just how much shrillness was being offed.

I expected comments to run about half and half between Carter/liberal haters and a choir of amens that seems to accompany any public figure critical of the Bush administration these days. The Reuters site is shared public space after all, attracting pie-eyed socialists, goose-stepping neo-fascists, and everyone in between. It is the virtual analog of the Department of Motor Vehicles--the place you will meet everyone that lives near you, regardless of their race, gender, affluence, or commitment to personal hygiene. But apparently I forgot to carry a zero when I did my calculations. Hardly one in twenty commenters had anything nice to say about the former President, and each member of this timid minority was swiftly disemboweled by the frothing mob.

What is it about Jimmy Carter that evokes such visceral disgust? As a people, we are renowned for responding to the personalities rather than the substance of our political leaders. Shouldn't this work to Carter's advantage? He is--at least in my childlike estimation--kind and decent. Yet he is assaulted for his rudeness towards Dick "Go fuck yourself" Cheney. He is a devout Christian--a Sunday school teacher for crying out loud--yet he is upbraided as an apostate. He has worked his whole life for peace, yet he is disdained for effeminacy and held responsible for not only the violence that occurred during his term of office, but for most of the violence that has occurred since. Several visitors even assigned blame for the Iraq war to Carter!

What gives? Let's hear from some of our incisive commentators...


Posted by laoh0441
There are just two types of people that are likely to comment on the presidency of Jimmy Carter. Those that don't believe he was absolutely the worst president in history, and those that were actually forced to endure the gas lines, 21% interest rates, wearing cardigan sweaters to stay warm in our homes and being held hostage by Islamo-fascist terrorists in Iran...

Laoh was not alone in tagging Carter with culpability for the numerous economic and foreign policy challenges of his presidency. I could summon a host of facts to debunk this assault, however doing so would require that I break a profuse intellectual sweat at a time when I am without a ready change of intellectual underwear. Suffice it to say that blaming Carter for oil prices, interest rates, and the blossoming of a popular revolution in Iran is like mailing someone a rubber chicken and then blaming them for not receiving a cupcake. In economic matters above all, a one-term president can do little more than reap what was sown by his predecessors or eat whatever wild bounty is furnished by the natural fortunes of drought and flood.

Other commenters lambasted Carter for breaking with the tradition in which former presidents refrain from criticizing their successors.


Posted by jdle0384
Carter needs to act like a real man and a real former president and SHUT THE HELL UP. Up until him there was a professional courtesy among presidents. But that's too good for old Jimmy...

Touché. I will allow a point scored and an additional half point for the left handed swipe at Carter's virility and the judicious use of CAPITAL LETTERS! It is a tad unseemly for a former president to call a sitting executive to task. In the Georgian's defense however, I would argue that the tradition of restraint applies to disagreements regarding policy or management style, and that Dick Cheney's penchant for wiping his ass with the Constitution falls outside those categories. Perhaps I am puritanical in this regard?

But neither Carter's policies nor his post-presidential deportment are the source of the hatred he attracts. Rather, they are opportunities for his detractors to express a more fundamental anger. It is no coincidence that Jimmy Carter was the least presidential President of this century. He was elected because, at that unique moment in history, the electorate wanted a figure of the most human scale. A neighbor. A simple, honest farmer.

In our history, we have elected Presidents that are fatherly, or heroic, or powerful, or patrician. That in this instance we submitted willingly, eagerly to someone small is best rationalized as a reactionary act of self-abasement. Exhausted by more than a decade of inconclusive war in Asia, weighed down by economic malaise, repulsed by the small-time criminal antics of Nixon and his cohorts, America was ready to do penance. I'm not saying we willingly performed a rite of contrition; the word "sorry" does not appear in the American lexicon. Rather, we subjected ourselves to the rule of the meek in a subconscious act of self-flagellation. It was absolution via masochism.

And like an arrogant prom queen who, in a fleeting moment of weakness, sleeps with the school's biggest loser, we despised ourselves in the morning. And we unburden ourselves of that self-loathing by heaping abuse upon that poor, geeky, acne-ridden kid into whose arms we so willingly fell. Jimmy Carter became our secret shame. What if we are meek, indecisive, vulnerable, credulous and softhearted like Jimmy?

If only we could find a President who is overbearing, infallible, callous, cynical and cruel. Then we'd never have to be ashamed again.

Saturday, October 06, 2007

Can America Survive without Her Pimp?

Hi. Well, I wanted a change of pace--I'm tired of that place. Anyway, all you do when we're there is talk to all your friends from the Heritage Foundation. The food's good here. Why don't we just take this two-top by the door. I can squeeze in, no problem--I may be a country of 300 million people, but I've dropped a few pounds lately. That's nice of you to say... but maybe I wanted to do it just for me. I want to see if I can fit into the dress I wore to Lincoln's second inauguration.

Um, just iced tea for me. Thanks.

Why the look? Can't a girl have iced tea? Sorry about not calling you back yesterday. Yeah, last week too. I've been really busy and--sure, I've got something I need to talk to you about as well. It's only one thing, so maybe I should go first, you see--OK, sure, you go first.

You really think things are going better over there? I mean it seems like it's just a vicious circle, the sectarian violence, the chaos... Yes, I know how much I depend on the oil, but I think I'd like to try to cut back. What? Don't you want me to? If I didn't need the oil wouldn't the terrorists lose interest in me anyway? Isn't that why they hate me? No? But that doesn't make sense--I mean, I'm not really so wonderful as you say, and it seems like they wouldn't go through so much trouble just because I'm happy. Maybe--

OK, what--oh. No, you finish. Yeah, that border fence. I've been meaning to talk to you about that too. Yes, I know it's a lot of people. Yes. No! They did not come on to me! Drugs?! Of course not! What a terrible thing to say! They bathe as often as you or I. You didn't have to say it--I know what you meant! Maybe I enjoy learning Spanish, did you ever think of that? It's not a question of whether I appreciate all you do for me. Can I?... OK.

Excuse me? I changed my mind. I'll have a double martini.

Right, health insurance for poor kids. that just doesn't seem right. But that's just it--I think it's time I started getting more involved, understanding this stuff. Yes, I could! I don't think you want me to try! Well, I am upset. No, I think I should be. Did you ever consider maybe I do know what I want? You've never asked! I WILL RAISE MY VOICE IF I WANT TO!... I will raise my voice if I want to! Really? I don't think you need my help to embarrass yourself!


OK... Look... I'm sorry. But I just don't know what I think anymore. Yes, I know you love me. Goodness knows you never stop telling me how much you love me. That's the problem. It's just that, well, I need a little space right now.

Look, this isn't easy. You know, I looked at myself in the mirror this morning. I look awful. I'm not doing anything with my life... Just shopping, watching television, partying all the time. I know, it was fun. But I just thought, isn't there something more than that?

I really miss my dads. You talk all the time about how much you respect them, but if you had your way, you'd have a constitutional amendment against people having more than one father. My dads wrote the constitution, you hypocrite! They hated everything you stand for. If they were still alive today maybe they could have talked some sense into me before I got involved with you.

Dammit, I promised myself I would not cry. I will not cry.

It's just been such a long road, you know? I mean, I was always the belle of the ball, but I was just a small town girl. And then came the World Wars, and everyone cheering me. I see now how it went to my head. You know when I was happiest? In the 60's. People were burning flags,and saying terrible things about me--Do not call me "baby"! Can't you see what I'm saying? For the first time, I felt like I could just be myself. And it was beautiful.

Hey, what do I have to do to get a refill over here?! Oh, no smoking? OK, no. Just one more drag.

Yeah, I came back to reality alright. The coke. The clothes. The parties. And you were there to pick me up, you and your fat cat friends in your fancy suits and luxury cars. I hated you, and I hated myself for needing you. Your flattery made me cheap. But now you've gone too far. Torturing people? Locking them up for years for no reason? Eavesdropping? The Valentine's Day card with the Abu Ghraib pictures was a little over the top, don't you think? Whatever happened to candy and flowers? You're a sick, paranoid bastard! And all to protect me, you say? Well, maybe I don't need to be protected. Did that ever occur to you? You know what? I don't think I'm as vulnerable as you say. I think you're trying to frighten me into staying with you. To drag me into the slime where you live so your misery can have some company!

What!?! You bastard! This has nothing to do with the Democrats! I did not flirt with them! Sure, they call me all the time and tell me how much they love me. Of course I know they're trying to get into my panties. You ought to know. Well, you told me the same lies, but they came out of your mouth a lot easier. You must be so proud. You saw what!? In the cloak room? With Harry Reid?! I never did! I'M A WHAT!? NO, I THINK YOU NEED TO COOL OFF!

No. I'm fine. I'm OK. Yes, coffee would be good. Yes, and some napkins and seltzer. And another martini. That's what I said, isn't it? Prissy bitch. What? No, you must be hearing things.

So. I'm a whore, am I? Then I guess that means that you've been my pimp all these years, getting me to degrade myself while you get fat and rich. I see it all now. All the fake protestations of love. Plying me with farm subsidies. Pump priming my stock markets when they started to sag. Making me hump a pole for the drunks at the bar while you count the receipts. Hey, where do you think you're going?! Yeah, fine! That's right, get out! And don't bother to call--It's over!! DO YOU HEAR--UH, OH SHIT, I'M GONNA PUKE! I'M--

Uuuuuuhhhhhhnnnnnn... Uuuuuuugg... Ack.

What? What are you people looking at?! This is what you wanted, right?! Well congratu-fucking-lations! But I'm gonna make a new start. Everything's gonna be different.

I need some air... Where is that phone?... Yes. Hi, Hillary? It's me... Yes--It's over. Oh God, what am I going to do? I don't have anywhere to go... Really? You do? You're not just saying that? OK, I'll be waiting for you right here.