Can America Survive without Her Pimp?

Hi. Well, I wanted a change of pace--I'm tired of that place. Anyway, all you do when we're there is talk to all your friends from the Heritage Foundation. The food's good here. Why don't we just take this two-top by the door. I can squeeze in, no problem--I may be a country of 300 million people, but I've dropped a few pounds lately. That's nice of you to say... but maybe I wanted to do it just for me. I want to see if I can fit into the dress I wore to Lincoln's second inauguration.

Um, just iced tea for me. Thanks.

Why the look? Can't a girl have iced tea? Sorry about not calling you back yesterday. Yeah, last week too. I've been really busy and--sure, I've got something I need to talk to you about as well. It's only one thing, so maybe I should go first, you see--OK, sure, you go first.

You really think things are going better over there? I mean it seems like it's just a vicious circle, the sectarian violence, the chaos... Yes, I know how much I depend on the oil, but I think I'd like to try to cut back. What? Don't you want me to? If I didn't need the oil wouldn't the terrorists lose interest in me anyway? Isn't that why they hate me? No? But that doesn't make sense--I mean, I'm not really so wonderful as you say, and it seems like they wouldn't go through so much trouble just because I'm happy. Maybe--

OK, what--oh. No, you finish. Yeah, that border fence. I've been meaning to talk to you about that too. Yes, I know it's a lot of people. Yes. No! They did not come on to me! Drugs?! Of course not! What a terrible thing to say! They bathe as often as you or I. You didn't have to say it--I know what you meant! Maybe I enjoy learning Spanish, did you ever think of that? It's not a question of whether I appreciate all you do for me. Can I?... OK.

Excuse me? I changed my mind. I'll have a double martini.

Right, health insurance for poor kids. that just doesn't seem right. But that's just it--I think it's time I started getting more involved, understanding this stuff. Yes, I could! I don't think you want me to try! Well, I am upset. No, I think I should be. Did you ever consider maybe I do know what I want? You've never asked! I WILL RAISE MY VOICE IF I WANT TO!... I will raise my voice if I want to! Really? I don't think you need my help to embarrass yourself!

OK... Look... I'm sorry. But I just don't know what I think anymore. Yes, I know you love me. Goodness knows you never stop telling me how much you love me. That's the problem. It's just that, well, I need a little space right now.

Look, this isn't easy. You know, I looked at myself in the mirror this morning. I look awful. I'm not doing anything with my life... Just shopping, watching television, partying all the time. I know, it was fun. But I just thought, isn't there something more than that?

I really miss my dads. You talk all the time about how much you respect them, but if you had your way, you'd have a constitutional amendment against people having more than one father. My dads wrote the constitution, you hypocrite! They hated everything you stand for. If they were still alive today maybe they could have talked some sense into me before I got involved with you.

Dammit, I promised myself I would not cry. I will not cry.

It's just been such a long road, you know? I mean, I was always the belle of the ball, but I was just a small town girl. And then came the World Wars, and everyone cheering me. I see now how it went to my head. You know when I was happiest? In the 60's. People were burning flags,and saying terrible things about me--Do not call me "baby"! Can't you see what I'm saying? For the first time, I felt like I could just be myself. And it was beautiful.

Hey, what do I have to do to get a refill over here?! Oh, no smoking? OK, no. Just one more drag.

Yeah, I came back to reality alright. The coke. The clothes. The parties. And you were there to pick me up, you and your fat cat friends in your fancy suits and luxury cars. I hated you, and I hated myself for needing you. Your flattery made me cheap. But now you've gone too far. Torturing people? Locking them up for years for no reason? Eavesdropping? The Valentine's Day card with the Abu Ghraib pictures was a little over the top, don't you think? Whatever happened to candy and flowers? You're a sick, paranoid bastard! And all to protect me, you say? Well, maybe I don't need to be protected. Did that ever occur to you? You know what? I don't think I'm as vulnerable as you say. I think you're trying to frighten me into staying with you. To drag me into the slime where you live so your misery can have some company!

What!?! You bastard! This has nothing to do with the Democrats! I did not flirt with them! Sure, they call me all the time and tell me how much they love me. Of course I know they're trying to get into my panties. You ought to know. Well, you told me the same lies, but they came out of your mouth a lot easier. You must be so proud. You saw what!? In the cloak room? With Harry Reid?! I never did! I'M A WHAT!? NO, I THINK YOU NEED TO COOL OFF!

No. I'm fine. I'm OK. Yes, coffee would be good. Yes, and some napkins and seltzer. And another martini. That's what I said, isn't it? Prissy bitch. What? No, you must be hearing things.

So. I'm a whore, am I? Then I guess that means that you've been my pimp all these years, getting me to degrade myself while you get fat and rich. I see it all now. All the fake protestations of love. Plying me with farm subsidies. Pump priming my stock markets when they started to sag. Making me hump a pole for the drunks at the bar while you count the receipts. Hey, where do you think you're going?! Yeah, fine! That's right, get out! And don't bother to call--It's over!! DO YOU HEAR--UH, OH SHIT, I'M GONNA PUKE! I'M--

Uuuuuuhhhhhhnnnnnn... Uuuuuuugg... Ack.

What? What are you people looking at?! This is what you wanted, right?! Well congratu-fucking-lations! But I'm gonna make a new start. Everything's gonna be different.

I need some air... Where is that phone?... Yes. Hi, Hillary? It's me... Yes--It's over. Oh God, what am I going to do? I don't have anywhere to go... Really? You do? You're not just saying that? OK, I'll be waiting for you right here.