Don't Just Pander--Lie!

It's pandering season again, and our brave presidential candidates are out on the trail falling all over themselves to spew tripe about energy issues.

There is no shortage of examples. In Iowa--where it's all corn, all the time--they expressed support for an expansion of the energy-negative, water intensive corn ethanol initiatives that are helping to drive a devastating world-wide food crisis. But at least ethanol will do next to nothing to improve our energy security outlook, thus failing to realize the one goal that was supposed to compensate for all its drawbacks. Hooray!

In coal-producing states, they talk up coal-to-liquids synfuel programs, carbon capture and storage and assorted fairy tales about "clean coal." Apparently, the presidential contenders have been taking in a lot of coal industry PR. Just imagine what might be accomplished if Big Coal put as much effort into improving their energy efficiency and greenhouse gas profile as they do into creating the appearance of such progress.

And everywhere the candidates go, they promise to make gas cheap again. How? By telling the Chinese, sorry, no more for you--we called dibs. Or by threatening OPEC, or else asking them ever so nicely, or--oh look! A shiny penny!

What were we talking about again?

Naughty, naughty politicians. Telling us what we want to hear just so we'll vote for them. It makes us bristle with indignance. All the more so because their assessment of us is as accurate as it is damning.

Truckers begging to be lied to

Yes, our politicians have read us like a book once again. They are what we see when we collectively look into a mirror. While we like to toy with the delusion that they might speak bracing truth to us simply by opening their mouths and forming the requisite vowels and consonants, our electoral system is in fact a self-selecting system designed to insure that those who might say something that upsets us will never get the get to stand at the podium. In other words, our politicians will never be better until we are better.

This leads to an obvious conclusion--what is needed is a program of self-improvement for the American people. Perhaps if we invest in education and imbue the next generation with the kind of critical thinking skills so sorely lacking today, if we elevate the importance of social and political activism to the same level as facility with video games and fashion sense, if we restore respect for values like hard work and sacrifice--maybe then we'll look in the mirror and see the kinds of leaders that can grapple with the challenges we face.

Yeah, right. If you for even one moment find such fantasies credible, you clearly know nothing of America. We have neither the attention span nor the self-discipline necessary to effect such a revolution.

But I have a better idea, one that can succeed because it leverages some of the core American virtues--traits like indifference, disdain for detail, admiration for successful cheats, and the inability to remember what happened five minutes ago.

Rather than vainly hope for politicians too spineless and ethics-bound to promise us the pain-free, no-cost quick fixes we demand, let us look instead to candidates with the courage to transcend mere pandering in favor of full-blown, bald-faced lying.

You see, the problem with pandering is that it is a half measure. It begins when politicians commit to policies they know to be inherently dangerous or impossible to effect. So far so good. Such nonsense will secure their election, and there's no harm in words. But then, suddenly, they find themselves in the Oval Office, holding the levers power that could effect positive change beyond the dreams of ordinary citizens. This is their moment to atone for every instance of hypocrisy, every verbal act of moral cowardice committed between Walla Walla and Williamsburg. All they have to do is something smart.

But instead this is the moment at which--tragically--they develop a conscience.

For months on end they traipsed the country, saying anything--anything!--that would convince America to jump in the sack with them. But there's something about sitting at that desk that makes a new President feel bound to execute the absurd and counterproductive schemes they cynically preached from the stump. It's like some excruciating, Sisyphean dream we're forced to endure over and over again. And all because they merely pandered when they should have lied.

So once you're in office, remember: to hell with your idiotic promises about rolling back gas taxes! Coal-to-liquids? Never met the guy. Obfuscate! Deny! Blame it on a drinking problem! Anything rather than seek to execute the vacuous policies that we elected you to implement.

Please, save us from ourselves. If you don't lie to us now, we will never forgive you.

Our Presidential Nightmare is Over!

At Only Sayin' we are sensitive—and vulnerable—to the charge of negativity. So today, let us place our bitterness to soak in a warm glass of bile on our bedtable, and declare the good news.

While the liberal whiners whine, and the America-hating, naysaying surrender monkeys say nay and throw in their 50%-post-consumer waste/50% hemp fiber towels, our nation stands on the threshold of a monumental victory.

As I'm sure you are aware, we have been suffering under the oppressive yoke of a President hell-bent on destroying all that is good and decent in this great land. A president determined to irredeemably corrupt our national soul. To set our government and society on a course for disaster from which we can never hope to recover.

Some claim that his intentions are pure, though his methods be flawed. But we who are vigilant have always known better. We have seen his henchmen and counselors masquerading as pillars of society while relentlessly cultivating our destruction. We have watched as he furtively gathered the reins of power in his insatiable embrace. And we have seen his plan ripen and grow heavy on the bough.

But rejoice, dear reader. For though you thought the harvest of that bitter fruit inevitable and were resigned to shatter your body upon the barricades in futile glory, or fall honorably upon your own blade, or worse still, to move to Canada—I tell you we have snatched victory from the ravenous jaws of defeat. The president's conspiracy has been thwarted and we will soon consign his nefarious plot to history's overflowing dustbin, along with 8-track tapes and most of the world's glaciers.

For those of you who do not follow the thread of politics, I am speaking, of course, about President James Madison.

'Twould be a bitter blow to the man known as "Jemmy,"—an inoffensive moniker that belied his infernal proclivities and craven lust for power—to know that his intrigues have failed. As he prepared to leave office in 1816, so confident was he that his machinations had matured beyond any chance of countering, that he dropped all pretense and brashly taunted our nation in his final address to congress, declaring to have established...

A government pursuing the public good as its sole object, and regulating its means by the great principles consecrated in its charter, and by those moral principles to which they are so well allied; a government which watches over the purity of elections, the freedom of speech, and the press, trial by jury, and the equal interdict against encroachments and compacts between religion and the state; which maintains inviolably the maxims of public faith, the security of persons and property, and encourages in every authorized mode the general diffusion of knowledge which guarantees to public liberty its permanency and to those who possess the blessing the true enjoyment of it; a Government which avoids intrusions on the internal repose of other nations, and repels them from its own...a government, in a word, whose conduct within and without may bespeak the most noble of all ambitions—that of promoting peace on earth and good will to men.

If you have ever stopped short at a cross-street with your children in the back seat, you know how the imagination proceeds into the intersection alone to envision the skid, the impact that almost was, the shattering of glass and bone. So in the case of Madison's devilish scheming must we taste the horror of a tragedy averted and tremble for our country were his perverse vision fulfilled.

But this nightmare is truly over. As the rising sun peeks in our window, its rays strike and destroy each bête noir conjured by that most petite of founders.

No longer are we susceptible to the allure of such weak and effeminate distractions as the pursuit of "the public good." Goodness is by its very nature dissipative, absorbed to no apparent impact among the millions. It is greatness we desire. Will future generations swell with pride to know that Meals on Wheels delivered extra helpings of canned green beans this week? Twaddle! The energy of such samaritanism were better redirected to hoist high the celebrities and magnates who will wallow in surplus on our magazine covers and society pages, and who may eat and keep warm as proxies for the rest of us.

"Pure" elections? Perhaps no other facet of Madison's invidious agenda has been so hotly contested. As people of color found means to circumvent the best intentions of Jim Crow, and the advent of womens' suffrage rendered the once-steadfast guidepost of federal policy no more than a weather vane gyrating wildly in response to the cyclical lunar ravings of that delicate sex, preserving the integrity of the franchise has required a Herculean commitment. Thankfully, the courts have been able to leverage the saving power of voter suppression and republicans have delimited our electoral districts to ensure balance. And when all appeared lost nonetheless, electronic voting arrived and enabled us to dispense with time-consuming vote tallying, and eliminate all possibility of error by starting from the correct result and calculating the precinct totals in reverse.


With a single brilliant stroke, the noble defenders of right have also triumphed over those pestilential twins, freedom of speech and freedom of the press. Yes, it has proven impossible to stop individuals from trying to turn our country from good to bad by criticizing our policies. But the consolidation of media outlets engendered by deregulation combined with the symbiotic teat-sucking that pervades the relationship of giant corporations and the government ensures that the overwhelming majority of citizens are spared the discomfort of ever being exposed to anti-American thinking. By which we mean the kind of thinking distinguished by the degree to which it diverges from the thoughts thunk by our leaders. And in the event subversive ideas find voice in the media—for example, the morale-busting assertion that Saddam Hussein did not personally pilot all four of the 9-11 aircraft—there are a handful of heroic souls who, with the battle-cry "Iraq-nine-eleven!" will hurl themselves into the trajectory of such insidious notions. Thus do they selflessly "take the bullet" of treasonous, faith-sapping lies otherwise destined to lodge in doe-eyed America's gut.

Trial by jury. It is hard for us, living as we do in this golden age, to believe that there was a time when jurors could actually have been expected to doubt the good intentions and competence of those charged with law enforcement. But indeed, it was a stroke of diabolical genius by which Madison required criminal justice professionals to grapple for the approval of drunk, illiterate, and possibly even Irish buffoons to consummate the pure formality of converting indictments into convictions. In his arrogance, he failed to anticipate that those buffoons would evolve and develop the uncanny ability to recognize the guilty as whoever is sitting in the accused's chair when a prosecutor describes frightening things that might happen somewhere, someday.

But just in case--no more habeus corpus. Because you can't be too careful.

Regarding Madison's celebrated "interdict against compacts between religion and state," much work remains before we can openly acknowledge the obvious: the United States is a Christian nation. Yet who can fail to detect the hand of the lamb of god in the beneficent workings of our government? Think of the millions of starving, homeless African families whose sole joy is found in the clammy, listless embrace of the children who would never have been born had aid agencies been permitted to include birth control among their family planning options. Or consider how empty would be the naves of our nation's churches were the destitute and downtrodden able to obtain shelter and sustenance via the sterile auspices of our civic bureaucracy. And what licentiousness would be too abhorrent for the ranks of the civil service were they not ably policed by god's anointed bureaucrats?

Madison also aimed to obstruct the well-meaning interactions of constituents and representatives in the name of preserving the "public faith." He hoped thereby to make government ineffectual. But let Madison roll in his grave, for his cynical attempt to mark as corrupt the proper and vigorous assistance the elected provide to their deserving supporters, and to make it impossible for the beneficiaries of such services to show their just gratitude has come to naught.

What about "the security of persons and property" and the permanency of "public liberty?" Of course, Madison hoped that prohibitions against the government monitoring the actions and intentions of its citizens would enable enemies of the state to plot without hindrance and eventually destroy the nation from within. But after numerous close calls, no longer do we cower and wonder where our foes are going, who they are conspiring with, or what may be secreted in the sinister recesses of their corporal cavities.


Eager to strangle our national spirit at home, Madison was equally loathe to share our blessings abroad. But was he avoiding "intrusions on the internal repose of other nations," or was he such a stranger to compassion that he could deny inferior cultures the fruits of our generosity and the opportunity to play some part—however insignificant—in our national epic? On this score we may a long last sleep peacefully. For never has all the love, generosity, kindness, and protection that America can offer been displayed more ubiquitously to thankful nations around the globe.

"Peace on earth and good will to men," said Madison in closing. Did he suppress the callow laughter rising in his throat as he twisted the long knife of this lie in the heart of his homeland? Did he feel a tinge of regret for inflicting the tragedy whose fulfillment he believed sealed? Was there even a shred of humanity left in his withered soul upon which the fragile seedling of remorse could find purchase? Only Madison himself could say, and from the regions of the damned where his shade surely dwells, no wayfarer can return with report. But here on earth, in this new, budding paradise, we can rejoice that his monstrous intent has been foiled, and the true meaning of his final words salvaged at last.

Has Jimmy Carter Been Raping Kittens?

People hate Jimmy Carter.

Not the eyeball-rolling, head-shaking, dismissive dislike you might expect to find directed at a man that irritated you 30 years ago, but foaming-at-the-mouth, sputtering, viscous-dog-straining-at-the-limit-of-his-chain, carotid-artery-busting apoplexy. The kind of anger you would usually reserve for the person who is at this very instant shitting on your head or raping your cat.

I stumbled into this lake of bile in the comments section of a Reuters article detailing some unusually blunt rhetoric Carter directed at Dick Cheney in a BBC interview. I should have known better. Reading visitor comments rarely edifies, even when most of the participants are bright and perceptive enough to share my views, and I avoid reading them for the same reason I eschew man-on-the-street interviews on the local news. Because the man on the street is invariably an idiot.

So as my better judgment failed me and I naively allowed my eyes to drift towards the comments section, I knew some shrillness would be in the offing. But I was stunned to see just how much shrillness was being offed.

I expected comments to run about half and half between Carter/liberal haters and a choir of amens that seems to accompany any public figure critical of the Bush administration these days. The Reuters site is shared public space after all, attracting pie-eyed socialists, goose-stepping neo-fascists, and everyone in between. It is the virtual analog of the Department of Motor Vehicles--the place you will meet everyone that lives near you, regardless of their race, gender, affluence, or commitment to personal hygiene. But apparently I forgot to carry a zero when I did my calculations. Hardly one in twenty commenters had anything nice to say about the former President, and each member of this timid minority was swiftly disemboweled by the frothing mob.

What is it about Jimmy Carter that evokes such visceral disgust? As a people, we are renowned for responding to the personalities rather than the substance of our political leaders. Shouldn't this work to Carter's advantage? He is--at least in my childlike estimation--kind and decent. Yet he is assaulted for his rudeness towards Dick "Go fuck yourself" Cheney. He is a devout Christian--a Sunday school teacher for crying out loud--yet he is upbraided as an apostate. He has worked his whole life for peace, yet he is disdained for effeminacy and held responsible for not only the violence that occurred during his term of office, but for most of the violence that has occurred since. Several visitors even assigned blame for the Iraq war to Carter!

What gives? Let's hear from some of our incisive commentators...

Posted by laoh0441
There are just two types of people that are likely to comment on the presidency of Jimmy Carter. Those that don't believe he was absolutely the worst president in history, and those that were actually forced to endure the gas lines, 21% interest rates, wearing cardigan sweaters to stay warm in our homes and being held hostage by Islamo-fascist terrorists in Iran...

Laoh was not alone in tagging Carter with culpability for the numerous economic and foreign policy challenges of his presidency. I could summon a host of facts to debunk this assault, however doing so would require that I break a profuse intellectual sweat at a time when I am without a ready change of intellectual underwear. Suffice it to say that blaming Carter for oil prices, interest rates, and the blossoming of a popular revolution in Iran is like mailing someone a rubber chicken and then blaming them for not receiving a cupcake. In economic matters above all, a one-term president can do little more than reap what was sown by his predecessors or eat whatever wild bounty is furnished by the natural fortunes of drought and flood.

Other commenters lambasted Carter for breaking with the tradition in which former presidents refrain from criticizing their successors.

Posted by jdle0384
Carter needs to act like a real man and a real former president and SHUT THE HELL UP. Up until him there was a professional courtesy among presidents. But that's too good for old Jimmy...

Touché. I will allow a point scored and an additional half point for the left handed swipe at Carter's virility and the judicious use of CAPITAL LETTERS! It is a tad unseemly for a former president to call a sitting executive to task. In the Georgian's defense however, I would argue that the tradition of restraint applies to disagreements regarding policy or management style, and that Dick Cheney's penchant for wiping his ass with the Constitution falls outside those categories. Perhaps I am puritanical in this regard?

But neither Carter's policies nor his post-presidential deportment are the source of the hatred he attracts. Rather, they are opportunities for his detractors to express a more fundamental anger. It is no coincidence that Jimmy Carter was the least presidential President of this century. He was elected because, at that unique moment in history, the electorate wanted a figure of the most human scale. A neighbor. A simple, honest farmer.

In our history, we have elected Presidents that are fatherly, or heroic, or powerful, or patrician. That in this instance we submitted willingly, eagerly to someone small is best rationalized as a reactionary act of self-abasement. Exhausted by more than a decade of inconclusive war in Asia, weighed down by economic malaise, repulsed by the small-time criminal antics of Nixon and his cohorts, America was ready to do penance. I'm not saying we willingly performed a rite of contrition; the word "sorry" does not appear in the American lexicon. Rather, we subjected ourselves to the rule of the meek in a subconscious act of self-flagellation. It was absolution via masochism.

And like an arrogant prom queen who, in a fleeting moment of weakness, sleeps with the school's biggest loser, we despised ourselves in the morning. And we unburden ourselves of that self-loathing by heaping abuse upon that poor, geeky, acne-ridden kid into whose arms we so willingly fell. Jimmy Carter became our secret shame. What if we are meek, indecisive, vulnerable, credulous and softhearted like Jimmy?

If only we could find a President who is overbearing, infallible, callous, cynical and cruel. Then we'd never have to be ashamed again.

Can America Survive without Her Pimp?

Hi. Well, I wanted a change of pace--I'm tired of that place. Anyway, all you do when we're there is talk to all your friends from the Heritage Foundation. The food's good here. Why don't we just take this two-top by the door. I can squeeze in, no problem--I may be a country of 300 million people, but I've dropped a few pounds lately. That's nice of you to say... but maybe I wanted to do it just for me. I want to see if I can fit into the dress I wore to Lincoln's second inauguration.

Um, just iced tea for me. Thanks.

Why the look? Can't a girl have iced tea? Sorry about not calling you back yesterday. Yeah, last week too. I've been really busy and--sure, I've got something I need to talk to you about as well. It's only one thing, so maybe I should go first, you see--OK, sure, you go first.

You really think things are going better over there? I mean it seems like it's just a vicious circle, the sectarian violence, the chaos... Yes, I know how much I depend on the oil, but I think I'd like to try to cut back. What? Don't you want me to? If I didn't need the oil wouldn't the terrorists lose interest in me anyway? Isn't that why they hate me? No? But that doesn't make sense--I mean, I'm not really so wonderful as you say, and it seems like they wouldn't go through so much trouble just because I'm happy. Maybe--

OK, what--oh. No, you finish. Yeah, that border fence. I've been meaning to talk to you about that too. Yes, I know it's a lot of people. Yes. No! They did not come on to me! Drugs?! Of course not! What a terrible thing to say! They bathe as often as you or I. You didn't have to say it--I know what you meant! Maybe I enjoy learning Spanish, did you ever think of that? It's not a question of whether I appreciate all you do for me. Can I?... OK.

Excuse me? I changed my mind. I'll have a double martini.

Right, health insurance for poor kids. that just doesn't seem right. But that's just it--I think it's time I started getting more involved, understanding this stuff. Yes, I could! I don't think you want me to try! Well, I am upset. No, I think I should be. Did you ever consider maybe I do know what I want? You've never asked! I WILL RAISE MY VOICE IF I WANT TO!... I will raise my voice if I want to! Really? I don't think you need my help to embarrass yourself!

OK... Look... I'm sorry. But I just don't know what I think anymore. Yes, I know you love me. Goodness knows you never stop telling me how much you love me. That's the problem. It's just that, well, I need a little space right now.

Look, this isn't easy. You know, I looked at myself in the mirror this morning. I look awful. I'm not doing anything with my life... Just shopping, watching television, partying all the time. I know, it was fun. But I just thought, isn't there something more than that?

I really miss my dads. You talk all the time about how much you respect them, but if you had your way, you'd have a constitutional amendment against people having more than one father. My dads wrote the constitution, you hypocrite! They hated everything you stand for. If they were still alive today maybe they could have talked some sense into me before I got involved with you.

Dammit, I promised myself I would not cry. I will not cry.

It's just been such a long road, you know? I mean, I was always the belle of the ball, but I was just a small town girl. And then came the World Wars, and everyone cheering me. I see now how it went to my head. You know when I was happiest? In the 60's. People were burning flags,and saying terrible things about me--Do not call me "baby"! Can't you see what I'm saying? For the first time, I felt like I could just be myself. And it was beautiful.

Hey, what do I have to do to get a refill over here?! Oh, no smoking? OK, no. Just one more drag.

Yeah, I came back to reality alright. The coke. The clothes. The parties. And you were there to pick me up, you and your fat cat friends in your fancy suits and luxury cars. I hated you, and I hated myself for needing you. Your flattery made me cheap. But now you've gone too far. Torturing people? Locking them up for years for no reason? Eavesdropping? The Valentine's Day card with the Abu Ghraib pictures was a little over the top, don't you think? Whatever happened to candy and flowers? You're a sick, paranoid bastard! And all to protect me, you say? Well, maybe I don't need to be protected. Did that ever occur to you? You know what? I don't think I'm as vulnerable as you say. I think you're trying to frighten me into staying with you. To drag me into the slime where you live so your misery can have some company!

What!?! You bastard! This has nothing to do with the Democrats! I did not flirt with them! Sure, they call me all the time and tell me how much they love me. Of course I know they're trying to get into my panties. You ought to know. Well, you told me the same lies, but they came out of your mouth a lot easier. You must be so proud. You saw what!? In the cloak room? With Harry Reid?! I never did! I'M A WHAT!? NO, I THINK YOU NEED TO COOL OFF!

No. I'm fine. I'm OK. Yes, coffee would be good. Yes, and some napkins and seltzer. And another martini. That's what I said, isn't it? Prissy bitch. What? No, you must be hearing things.

So. I'm a whore, am I? Then I guess that means that you've been my pimp all these years, getting me to degrade myself while you get fat and rich. I see it all now. All the fake protestations of love. Plying me with farm subsidies. Pump priming my stock markets when they started to sag. Making me hump a pole for the drunks at the bar while you count the receipts. Hey, where do you think you're going?! Yeah, fine! That's right, get out! And don't bother to call--It's over!! DO YOU HEAR--UH, OH SHIT, I'M GONNA PUKE! I'M--

Uuuuuuhhhhhhnnnnnn... Uuuuuuugg... Ack.

What? What are you people looking at?! This is what you wanted, right?! Well congratu-fucking-lations! But I'm gonna make a new start. Everything's gonna be different.

I need some air... Where is that phone?... Yes. Hi, Hillary? It's me... Yes--It's over. Oh God, what am I going to do? I don't have anywhere to go... Really? You do? You're not just saying that? OK, I'll be waiting for you right here.